Home Sweet Home

God, tonight I sit and think about things.  I remember good times from my childhood.  Innocent times.  I remember learning, yet thinking I knew it all.  Now I feel as if I am starting from scratch.  Your ways are new.  They teach me of a completely counter-intuitive approach to life.  Lord, there were times in my past that I found comfort in things.  Maybe a blanket, a good movie or a cup of warm milk.  Those things now only bring me understanding that the temporary comforts of this world are of little worth.  Why is it God, that we feel so strongly about things?  I have wept over a love story, I shed tears when someone shares their heart with another, at weddings, on facebook, through a hug, definitley in movies.. I cry when I see babies love on moms.  There are countless beautiful moments that are truly a blessing in life.  The birth of a child.  The baptism of loved ones.  The marriage of two in love.  The redeeming power of family bonds. These are all sweet, heart-warming things, but even they will one day fade away.  I find happiness in them, yet I feel a strange homesickness in them as well.  A pit in my stomach forms when I take all the amazing moments in life into view.  I know you made that pit for a purpose.  That sinking, gut-wrenching feeling is there to remind me that this life is not the only life to consider.  Of course you want us to live joy-filled, vigourous and abundant lives, but what if our passion was turned to you?  I am beginning to see how amazing that can be.  I find myself looking to you for comfort.  Instead of the blanket, you surround me.  Instead of the farce portrayed on the tube, I read the stories of your chosen ones.  Instead of the soothing warm milk, I crave the pure spirtual milk that only you can provide.  I am not by any means perfecting this act of putting you first, but God I am craving it.  I am finally seeing the big picture.  The more I seek you, the more I find you.  The more I find you, the more I love you.. in the words of Kari Jobe.  Lord, the tears I've shed for all the love, lack of love, pain, distances, loss and confusion- You have kept them in your hands.  You have been holding them to wash me with.  Can I be a bit dramatic here?  Are my tears the summer rains that come to refresh the earth?  Are my tears the salty sea that I can watch with wonder and awe?  Do you recycle our tears to replenish the world and make it anew?  Even if none of that happens, you are at least holding them in your hands.  You must have extremely large hands.  One thing I remember vividly about my Dad is his hands.  They could hold my hands inside them.  His hands were big and he would always warn me about popping my knuckles, afraid that my hands would someday look like his.  Now my hands fit in the center of my husband's hands.  He can wrap them all the way around my entire fist.  This is the only picture I have of big hands.  God, Father God-  Your hands fit not only my tears, but all your children's tears.  What mighty hands!  One day maybe I will fit my fist in your hand too.  The love and pain of this world can sometimes tear my heart in two.  The injustice, the persecution, the bitterness, the immorality!  God I want to be home in your courts.  I want to see my Dad and hold his hand again.  I want him to meet my husband.  I want to sing praises to you with them both.  I don't want anymore of this cold and harsh world.  But God- I know you are not finished with me yet.  I know that the ones hurting need you.  I know that the mistreated would benefit from your healing.  I know the lost need to be found.  Please steady my heart to resist too much breakage.  It is not whole, but God I don't think it will be until it finds it's home in my heavenly body.  Jesus, be my strength to endure the unpleasantries of this brutal world.  When a tear wants to escape my eyes, may they fall directly into your hands.  If I am confused and scared, God feed me your truth.  When my weaknesses abound, I pray that my trembling hands would be raised to you.  As my knees shake and my heart pound, might I kneel and surrender it all.  I pray that by my voice, your name will be known.  That by my tears, hearts will be healed.  That by my prayers, the lost will be saved.  By your grace, I can be used.  Thank you for this life.  Though there are the times of heartache, for good or for bad, may my heart ever yearn for you.  And when I am blessed beyond measure to witness the good in people and in this life, God that I might praise you for all your greatness.